Short Jokes

Theirs nothing like kids for honesty ay Greybags !

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honour of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells” . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates.
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied…………. “They’re Carols”.

a guy came home late one night with his friends, finally comes into bed in the early hours of the morning and his wife says ‘where have you been ? something could’ve happened to me, would you like it if you never saw me again ? ‘. then the guy replied by saying ‘ thats fine with me ‘.

the next day, the guy didnt see his wife. the following day again he didn’t see his wife. by the third day, the swelling around his eyes started to go away.

wife is yapping at the front door and your dog is yapping at the back door. Which door do you open?

The back door, because the dog will stop once he is inside.

Man driving down road.

Woman driving up same road.

They pass each other.

Woman yells out window, “P I G !”
Man yells out window, ” B I T C H !”

Man rounds next curve.
Crashes into a huge pig in middle of road.

Thought For The Day : If men would only listen.

Men are like ……… Popcorn ……. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Oh – and …

If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
:)

Two birds sitting on a perch

One says to the other ” I can smell fish”…. :)

meoooowwwwww!!!!!

Hear the one about the patron leaving the pig and whistle pub? First bloke walked out the back door and saw two other blokes – second bloke bent over with his trousers down around his ankles and third bloke with his middle finger up the second blokes arse.

First bloke says” what the hell are you doing?”

Third bloke says ,” Me mate has had too much too drink and he wants to vomit”

First bloke says, “You’re supposed to stick your fingers down his throat”

Third bloke says, “I haven’t got to that bit yet!”

Take your time and see if you can read each line aloud
without making a mistake. The average person can’t.

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dumbass cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat
Now go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the
top down.

Dont you get it Graybags… :doh:

. Two birds sitting on a perch… One says to the other I can smell fish (perch is a fish)

WOMEN’S ASS SIZE STUDY

There is a new study out about women and how
they feel about their ass

I thought the results were pretty interesting.

85% of women think their ass is too big..

10% of women think their ass is too little…

The other 5% say that they don’t care – they love him the way he is

and
would have married him anyway.

then there is the urban myth about a former US president

Bill jumps down off the Marine Helicopter onto the White House lawn, right next the the Marine sergeant standing at attention and saluting.

Bill is holding a cute little puppy in his arms, and says to the Marine ” I got this for my wife, what do you think?”

Sergeant says, “I think it was a fair trade, sir”

This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or

a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 30.

Add another 1000.

Now add 20.

Now add another 1000.

Now add 10.

What is the total?

ANSWER: Did you get 5000? The correct answer is

actually 4100.

If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn’t come back, it was never yours to begin with.

But……..if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn’t appear to realize that you had set it free…

You either married it or gave birth to it.

Ah yes…

Women…….

Men can’t live with them and

Men can’t live with them.

so much the poorer we are without them

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss
is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the
facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of
workers and he wants to let them know he means business. The CEO walks up to
the guy and asks, “And how much money do you make a week?” A little
surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, “I make $300.00 a
week. Why?”
The CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, “Here’s four weeks
pay, now GET OUT and don’t come back!”
Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room
and asks, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?” With a
sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, “Pizza delivery guy from
Domino’s.”

Horse walks into a bar and fronts up to the bartender.

Bartender says “Why the long face?”

Two men were changing in the locker room after a game of tennis. One notices the other one is putting on pair of stockings and suspenders. He says “When did you start wearing them?” To which the other man replies “Since my wife found a pair on the back seat of the car.”

1 1 was a race horse
1 2 was 1 2
1 1 1 1 race
1 2 1 1 2

An oldie but a goodie trying saying that fast

Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar ……….

Did u here about the Pastor
who went Soft InsideA HIM