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Dating Paraplegics the Ultimate Guide

Dating paraplegics and wheelchair usersThere are many reasons for and against dating paraplegics and wheelchair users. We answer the common and complex questions people have in “Dating Paraplegics the Ultimate Guide”. Some answers may surprise, we cover all you need to know dating wheelchair users in short easy to understand terms.

“Dating Paraplegics the Ultimate Guide” is a great read for anyone dating. Begin to date a wheelchair user the right way. Discover the secrets to dating paraplegics and wheelchair users.

Dating Paraplegics and Wheelchair Users

  1. Pushy: I want to ask a wheelchair user out but I’m afraid I will scare them off.
    True: You may scare them off, so don’t hang around waiting for a relationship that will never happen. Go ahead and ask them out. They may feel the same way about you. Be creative, “If you behave, I will let you take me out to dinner Friday night.” Most who feel the same way will be flattered. At least you will then know where you stand.
  2. Personal Care Nurse: I don’t want to be a care nurse. That is to much work for me. I don’t want to help with personal care, help toilet shower and dress etc. It is a huge burden and turn-off.
    True: It is a huge responsibility yes. It is alright to feel that way. But you do not have to be their care nurse. They got along fine before they met you. And they will be fine if you leave. Paraplegics are quite able to take care of their own personal hygiene. The very few paraplegics who do need some help with personal care will have, or should get, support services in place.
  3. No Sex: Dating a paraplegic wheelchair user means no sex. They can’t feel it so they don’t enjoy sex or make love very often.
    False: Sex is not usually one of the things we talk about on a first date. Most men and women dating paraplegics do report a healthy active sex life. Those in long term relationships with paraplegics describe them as above average lovers. Some may, but don’t expect all of us to talk about sex on the first date.
  4. Bad Sex: Paraplegics are bad in bed. They just lay there all paralyzed and lifeless during sex.
    False: Paraplegics have great upper body strength. Most can be on top if they want to. Paraplegics are physically active and hands on during the act of love making. If things are boring introduce scented candles, oils, music etc. Appeal to the other senses. Wheelchair users are very visual when it comes to foreplay and sex.
  5. Erections: All wheelchair users have trouble getting and keeping an erection.
    False: What you need to know is if their Spinal Cord Injury is “complete” or “incomplete.” Most with SCI are incomplete. They can get an erection by touching or rubbing their penis, or in the case of girls, wet by rubbing their clitoris. Generally it is only men with a complete spinal cord injury who find it hard to get and keep an erection.
  6. No Children: People in wheelchairs can’t have children. They should not have children. Dating a paraplegic you will not be able to start a family. They can’t look after or raise children very well.
    False: Paraplegic women have the same chance of conceiving a child as any other fertile woman. Pregnancy and childbirth are carried out in much the same way as able-bodied women. Paraplegic women make excellent mothers. Paraplegic men have a slightly lower fertility rate than other men do. Paraplegic men make excellent fathers.
  7. Bad Genes: People with a spinal cord injury have a high risk of giving birth to disabled babies.
    False: A spinal cord injury is not genetic. It cannot be passed on to children.
  8. Short Life Span: Wheelchair users don’t live as long as regular people.
    True: Doctors say a spinal cord injury can shorten an otherwise 80 year life span by a year or two. However, by far the biggest factor influencing life span is lifestyle.
  9. Scarred For Life: Wheelchair users have nasty scars weird legs and a fucked up body.
    True: Most paraplegics do have some scars. In fact most people over 25 have some scars. Injuries involving broken bones require surgery. Unless obvious only trusted people get to see a paraplegics scars. Behind every scar is a story. Paraplegics often have thin limp legs (flaccid legs). Most have a well defined strong upper body to compensate.
  10. Angry: I have been dating paraplegics for some time, they are angry hurtful and mean. I figure it will get better in time.
    False: If you are dating a spinal cord injury wheelchair user who is mean and angry, 90% of the time you will come to find they were mean and angry before the wheelchair. Everybody has their bad days but that is no excuse. You should never tolerate abuse. Do not make threats to leave. Pack up and leave. At the very least, move away from anyone who is angry and abusive to you.
  11. Easy Target: Wheelchair users are easy to rape use and abuse for sex.
    False: Wheelchair users have open access to protective services and often carry a vital call alarm. The rape and abuse of disabled people is a very serious crime. Paraplegics can fight back. They have more upper body strength than regular people and know how to use it.
  12. Easy to Disable: I feel safe dating paraplegics because I can easy tip them out of their wheelchair if they annoy me.
    False: You can tip them out but they can get back in quickly and heaven help you when they do. When others learn of what you have done you will not be safe. Never tip any wheelchair user out of their chair unless they ask you to.
  13. Baggage: When dating paraplegics you have to put their wheelchair in the car. Lift them in and out of the car. Carry a butt-load of medical supplies. It’s just a big drama to go out.
    False: Paraplegics can transfer from their wheelchair into a car without help. Some use a sliding board (short smooth board to slide on) to make it safe and easy. They can pull their wheelchair apart and stow it in the back seat of the car. It is polite to offer assistance. Don’t feel bad if it is refused. Many paraplegics will already drive their own car with hand controls.
  14. Catheters: I want to know what the deal is with catheters but I do not want to seem rude and ask my date how they pee and stuff. Should I just go ahead and ask?
    True: Yes go ahead and ask. Most dating paraplegics and wheelchair users don’t find such questions rude. They are happy to talk about and explain how they go to the bathroom. After all, if things go well, you will both get more intimate than that at some point. It is good to know how your wheelchair partner functions before that happens.
  15. Repulsed: I cannot get over the catheter thing. It really turns me off sex.
    True: It is fair to say that kind of thing is not pretty. No paraplegic likes having to poke a tube up their private to drain their bladder, but they don’t get much choice. Ask them how they got over it. Give it some time and you might get more used to the idea. If the catheter is in during sex, ask them about taking it out for sex. Most paraplegics can go without a catheter for several hours.
  16. Parking Permit: I am only dating paraplegics for the parking.
    False: You are only easy to please or just butt lazy. Disability parking permits only apply to people who medically qualify for them. Sticker or no sticker, if they are not in the car, you may not park there. Everyone knows the best thing about dating paraplegics is the oral sex!
  17. Restricted Access: You miss out on things dating paraplegics. It’s like dragging an anchor around. You can only go places that have wheelchair access. That means boring and not spontaneous.
    False: Many people dating paraplegics enjoy all kinds of physical activities. They can fly, hike, swim, etc. and play most any sport. Night clubs, rock concerts and cinemas are just a few places where wheelchair users are given priority seating and access.
  18. Opening Doors: Should I open the door?
    False: Ask them, “May I get the door for you?” If you do open it, don’t stand in the way or stretch your arm out for them to go under. In general when dating paraplegics it’s polite for a man to open the door for a woman.
  19. Travel: There are limited places to go dating paraplegics and it costs extra to travel.
    False: Paraplegics often qualify for discounted fares. Some airlines allow a companion to fly free with any full fare paying wheelchair user. No country in the world bans wheelchair users or dating paraplegics. It may just take a little more planning.
  20. Beaches: Don’t go to the beach when dating paraplegics. They get stuck in soft sand.
    True: A standard manual push chair will get stuck in soft sand. You can drag them through backwards but that will exhaust you quickly. Wheelchair users love the beach and warm sunny places. Just stick to beaches with a boardwalk or pier until you get to know what they are capable of. They might prefer a quad bike or 4 wheel drive.
  21. Never Say Walk: It’s rude to say let’s go for a walk when dating paraplegics.
    False: They don’t care. They know what you mean.
  22. Second Person: If someone asks me, what my date wants, should I answer for them?
    False: Politely tell them to ask your date instead.
  23. Income: I do not want to work all day while they sit at home and do nothing.
    True: Paraplegics do sit all day. Many work part-time to supplement a disability pension or hold down a full-time job. Some are career professionals. They may not like you sitting around doing nothing all day either.
  24. House Maid: Dating paraplegics is good because they like to pick up after you.
    False: You won’t be dating paraplegics for long if you are messy. Wheelchair users do not like clothes left on the floor. They get tangled in their castor wheels, and may cause them to fall from their chair. They do not like to pick up after you. That includes your friends, if they make a mess, they better clean it up.
  25. Home Access: Back at their home they told me, “Don’t touch my stuff.” But I am not a klutz.
    True: It is something dating paraplegics have to say a lot. Not because you are a klutz. If they go for the phone in an emergency, only to find you have moved it beyond their reach, you may cause them harm. Their stuff may look out of place to you, and most won’t mind you touching, but always put things back the way you found them.
  26. Yard Work: Can they mow the lawn and keep the yard tidy?
    True: Gardening is a very popular hobby amongst wheelchair users. Paraplegics can drive ride on mowers, tractors, harvesters, handle a saw etc. Most with a house in the suburbs pay someone to mow their lawn, and clean the gutters out. The rest they can take care of. Pot plants, home gardens, and raised garden beds are easy to look after.
  27. Drug Addicts: Paraplegics are a good source of drugs.
    False: Paraplegics require little to no medication. They avoid taking prescribed drugs as much as possible.
  28. Retarded: All wheelchair users are retarded in some way. A spinal cord injury causes brain damage. Paraplegics have all kinds of emotional issues and mental problems.
    False: A spinal cord injury is certainly a traumatic event. It does not cause brain damage. For the most part, rehab after a spinal cord injury gives paraplegics a new lease on life. Paraplegics who are open to dating are more than often well adjusted, and emotionally well balanced.
  29. Plenty Of Fish: There are so many non-disabled why bother dating the disabled?
    True: There are more able-bodied. Dating paraplegics is just as risky and rewarding as dating able-bodied people. No one group or type of person should be excluded. But we all have our own likes and dislikes. We are all free to chose who we date.
  30. Approval: Pressure from family and friends. He is only dating paraplegic girls because he can’t get a real woman. My friends and family don’t approve.
    False: This is a very narrow minded and ignorant statement for anyone to make. There are many positives to dating paraplegics. More than often in public these days those dating paraplegics get noticed and praised. Paraplegics are smart people. They will be quick to tell anyone with such bias opinions to grow up or go away.
  31. Rejection: I would like to date a paraplegic but I know nothing about disability and wheelchair life. I am afraid I will be rejected.
    True: Your advances may be declined, not because you know nothing about disability. When it comes to love, the feeling is not always mutual. C’est la vie (such is life). If a disabled person rejects you it does not mean you are un-lovable. They simply aren’t ready to date or don’t feel a strong enough love attraction toward you.
  32. Bunny Boiler: Wheelchair users are very needy. If I am dating paraplegics and it doesn’t work out, when I leave they will have plenty of time on their hands to stalk me.
    False: With that attitude they will be glad to see you leave. Paraplegics are no more or less needy than anyone else. They got over breaking their spine, I’m sure they will get over you.

Resources

218 thoughts on “Dating Paraplegics the Ultimate Guide”

  1. Heather, thank-you for being so brave to tell it from the able-bodied side and really nail it. On behalf of the Admins here I extend an invitation to you. We want to publish your extented life story live here so we may all become closer to being on the same page. You are one in a million Heather. Please use the “Email Admin” form below to reach us.

  3. I think the way you word some of this is very offensive to people with disabilities. A person who has a disability – someone with paralysis or any other physical or intellectual disability – should be treated with respect and kindness – the same as one would treat ANY person. Don’t pity someone who is disabled or act like you feel sorry for them. If you want to educate yourself, there are plenty of resources that provide info in a straightforward manner intended to empower those who may have to work a little harder to do things others take for granted. We all have strengths and weaknesses. ALL of us!!

  4. @everyone: I apologize for the wording above- I didn’t mean your posts were offensive- I meant the info given in the article. Like the thing about tipping over someone’s wheelchair. Inappropriate, in my opinion

  5. Hello Me,
    Personally I thought the article was appropriate as was the information provided. It is very surprising to me how many people do not know much, if anything, about dating a non able bodied person. Some people will never know until they try and some people have preconceived notions, or even questions, which the article was addressing. In no way was the article advocating disrespect or violence toward anyone. In my opinion it was a piece to educate people on some basics and stop some falsehoods..

  6. Hi I’m Kim I ave been dating a guy for 3 years he has been in a wheelchair for 21 years. E is my soul mate and best friend I dont know what I would do without him. He does not let his disability slow him down at all the hunts fishes rides 4 wheelers any thing he warms to do. We just got engaged valentines and I couldn’t be happier.

  7. i am at lost for words u guys i am a 34yrs old woman who has spatic cerebal pasley who doesnt know any one else really with my disabilty lifes been very rough i want the same as everyone else a normal life love as anyone else i lost my love of a life time help i need friends and someone who can help me understand though the hard times

  8. Update two months since meeting my paraplegic man.
    Iv learnt alot and I’m so happy.
    He’s so sweet n funny n jokes about his legs which has made me so comfortable around him.
    I see past his broken spine and hate those closed minded uneducated ppl who only see his wheels n not realise he still has a heart. And for those who don’t understand imagen it was u. Wudnt u wana be loved.
    Nothing changes except ur wheels become ur legs.
    I think I’m falling…
    The most amazing kind considerate loving RESPECTFULL man I ever met.
    He tells me he is so lucky but deep down inside I believe I’m the one that’s lucky.

  9. Hi All. I’ve only just found this site whilst doing a random search about rotator cuff injuries… bizarre how you stumble across such interesting things on the web huh.

    I’ve been an incomplete T12 para for 23 years now – had my motorcycle accident 3 days before my 19th birthday – bummer with the timing that was for sure!

    I have to say the article and advice provided here is great. It’s spot on and it’s been a laugh reading through it all and the comments.

    One quick addition for the advice part of the article if you like: At a party, convention, social gathering, or other room full of people standing, take the opportunity to kneel down or grab a chair to chat – come down to our level physically! It amazes me how much easier it is to talk and hear people when they are on the same physical level as me in a chair. It shows you are interested in engaging in conversation and certainly makes it far easier to talk in a noisy room.

    Also just as a small contribution to the relationship side of things… I had great friends before my accident who just continued on as normal – they were great at dragging me out just after my accident to include me in the social side of things. At first, sometimes I really didn’t want to go but once I’d been out again once or twice I realised life goes on – with or without you, so get on out there and enjoy it!

    I met my wife about 5 years after my accident and we have been together ever since – 16 years married and 18 years together and loving each other as much as we did in the first days. I always thought that woman would see the chair before they saw me, and nothing could be further from the truth. I was amazed at how much attention I got when chatting with the ladies… I was always a happy and social kind of guy before my accident and nothing changed afterward. My mates used to laugh and send me in as the scout to a group of girls as they felt I could always break the ice better and usually I ended up with the prettiest girl in the group sitting on my knee having a great time. Oh and my wife really is a gorgeous babe… truly!

    Regarding jobs and being a professional – I was just about to enrol in my second year at Uni when I had my accident and after a year off, completed my studies. Again I thought employers would see the chair before me – believe me – they don’t. If you have a sharp mind, great attitude and want to get on with things, you will get anywhere you want to. If anything, I think being in a chair made me more memorable after the interview and I’ve build up a great professional career, so guys and girls, keep at it and make your dreams come true.

    Wow, what a rant. Sorry! Keep up the great work and advice and as we say in New Zealand “Kia Kaha!” – stay strong!

  10. Hi!

    I just randomly came across this website. I can’t remember how actually but I started reading and was mesmerized by it. I am not paraplegic and I don’t personally know anybody in a wheel chair. I am single and I just wanted to say that when I see that one person, when everything clicks, whether or not he is in a wheel chair will not matter. It’s the person who matters. Everyone (or at least people who are scewed toward normalcy) is looking for true love, it’s hard to come by for anybody, and when that happens, a wheel chair is not going get in the way!

  11. I just have to add that everything is so much more “real” and intense. From mapping each others bodies, to staring into each others eyes, swimming, lying in the grass or just hanging out. A look can mean so much “more” between my guy and me that it continually amazes and a glance becomes a physical touch.
    Things like transfers to and from his chair become a ballet (unless I drop the chair getting it out of the car, fall over it at night, or something equally uncoordinated) and everyday is a day of open and honest communication about where we are, where we want to be, how to achieve goals, etc. No secrets and no judging.. just living in the moment and loving each other unconditionally with much laughter.
    So, I believe there is someone out there for everyone.. never give up, never surrender and live life to the fullest.

  12. The most common source of problems in relationships is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love. This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after about 5 years, and wondering where the love went.

    It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that may fade, while love is a promise that has nothing to do with attraction. Love is a promise to do 4 things.

    1. To accept everything that you know and do not know about her now.
    2. To accept her regardless of what happens in the unknown future as you both age – for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as you both shall live. Even if she is disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, you accept her.
    3. To forgive her later. Since neither of you is perfect, you both depend on each others’ forgiveness.
    4. To encourage her to improve. This 4th one gives purpose to your relationship – otherwise it will get boring.

    If you are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then you are ready to love. When you keep them, you demonstrate your love for each-other. After you formally make your promises at your wedding, you complete or consummate these promises with sexual intercourse. Every time that you subsequently have sexual intercourse, you reinforce your promises – it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying experience.

    If you have sexual intercourse before making your promises, then you show her that you are capable of justifying forsaking her for a younger, shapelier rival when she gets older. If you are able to restrain yourself when your attraction for her is at its highest, then you show her that you are capable of resisting the rival that will inevitably come.

    Source: Attraction is a feeling. Love is a Promise. by Grenville Phillips, president of Walbrent College. (LoveIsAPromise.wordpress.com)

  13. Wow, what a great website! And the comments and the support are amazing.

    I’m a gay man in Houston, Texas. I recently met eyes with a very handsome man from across the room. He happened to be in a wheelchair. We began to chat and ended up spending the rest of the evening laughing and telling stories. It was amazing, like the rest of the bar disappeared and it was just the two of us. Before we said goodbye, we made plans to see each other again.

    That was what started me on the search about sex and relationships with men in wheelchairs and what led me to this site. After finishing the article, I couldn’t stop reading.

    I wasn’t really horribly worried about him being in a wheelchair, but just didn’t want to blow it with this guy by doing something stupid or saying something ignorant. I’m so filled with hope and excitement now I can’t wait to go on our first real date. Thank all of you for sharing your stories and lives so honestly.

    I send all of you love and wishes that you find what you are looking for within yourselves, as I have faith that our environment and those we attract around us are a reflection of what we nurture within.

    Namaste,
    Steve

  14. I’ve had a close friend for at least 10 years that was born with severe spina bifida and has been in a wheelchair and leg braces since before I met him. He’s had at least 12 surgeries that I know of. I’m 19, he’s 20/21. But he’s been after a relationship with me for 4+ years now, and we’ve dated once before in 8th grade. I’m starting to think that I may be scared of the responsibility involved with it. I think I like him sometimes but whenever we get close to a relationship, I run away and we don’t talk for a few months, then it starts all over again. I realize it hurts him sometime, but he’s stayed this long so I still try to be his friend while I’m figuring everything out. This site helped a lot, because as long as I’ve known him I never really did face the responsibility of helping him and everything and I got scared, but knowing things like this helps somewhat. So thank you :).

  15. I just started dating someone who is a paraplegic. He is one of the most amazing people I have ever met. I found majority of these topics to be quite offensive. People really think these things? Being in a wheelchair doesn’t define who he is. He is so much more than that. He skies, sails, surfs and is just all around incredible.

  16. Hi Andrea and welcome. Of course not all people think these things but, unfortunately, some do. You may be surprised what people will ask you that they most likely would never ask an AB couple. Some people will never get it for whatever reason. Enjoy your guy and I wish you all the best with your relationship.

  17. I’m sure these apply to those of us who were born paraplegic, like myself, I was born with spina bifida at the T-12 level. But maybe there is a way to word these to make it more obvious that it includes us. Take number 32 for example, it could be worded something like, “False: With that attitude they will be glad to see you leave. Paraplegics are no more or less needy than anyone else. They got over breaking their spine or being born that way, I’m sure they will get over you.” Just a suggestion.

  18. Bethany do you have a Facebook page I would love to be your friend on Facebook! I am always looking for more woman who have spinabifida like myself. I only usually find men!send me a private message k?

  19. Danielle, I would send you a private message but I don’t know how to private message people, but I do have a Facebook page.

  20. We don’t allow posting of facebook type links. You can register at our forum to private message, send photos video etc and chat in our live chat window if you wish. Thankyou for your sugestion Bethany.

  21. I didn’t try to post my facebook link, nor was I going to try to. Your welcome for the suggestion.

  22. I love this site…been paralyzed 5 years and dating is difficult but it should work out eventually that’s y I try to date more than one to see who is truly interested. I’ve had some interested but was worried bout other things. Still searching tho. Being paralyzed is a fight but its a fight u gotta win. My daughter keeps me going.

  23. Hi, King,
    I believe there is someone out there for everyone so keep trying. My guy is wonderful, and just happens to be a para. I’m so lucky to have him in my life. He brings so much joy to my world so never give up. If it’s meant to be it will happen.

  24. Hey Amanda,
    Hope all is well. Did DEB and WHEELZ make it back? Tell Doc hello for me I am gonna be a Grandpa in Dec. (scary thought…crazy world) Find me at able here….bohonk….smile

  25. Your life in a chair doesn’t have to mean the end of things, there are many other ways of getting enjoyment throughout your challenged life –

    Sexual activity this is easy if you just let things happen when nature takes its course…

    Keeping fit – try wheelchair basketball, or rugby even badminton helps…

    For those that have the audacity to attempt it, try using an escalator save problems waiting for the buggies/prams/pushchairs at the lifts (remember that the rails up move faster and the rails down slower), watch your friends faces and others after you have accomplished the fete…

    Just remember yes you are DISABLED but its a challenge to get past it if you can they others will eventually see past it too…

    good luck one ‘n’ all

  26. Hi People, i have met a guy – he is T5/T6 incomplete paraplegic, i am totally madly in love with him, however, he has been single for 8 years and suddenly he met’s a guy who makes him laugh, and who makes him happy, but there is one problem, he does not believe in love, as his previous bf left him 11 months after his accident he does not allow someone in his life, he is afraid to get hurt again, i have proven over and over that it can work as long as he just give us a change. i don’t know what to do anymore, he is afraid of change, afraid to get hurt, afraid of love ….

  27. My Bf …if I can call him that as he tells his friends we are just friends and his family don’t know about me , he is a para … cute , funny , charming , sexual , great between the sheets and knows I love him with a honesty that is true as I show him and tell him and give him my trust and heart , He is scared , worried , apprehensive to name a few and I don’t blame him as even tho I’ve had to travel down some hard roads in life he was dealt a dirt track with more hills and pot holes than me , he needs the time to learn to trust , to believe . He wont tell me if someone hurt him , wont comment on any relationships and that’s ok , its aloud , What we do have is enough for me right now , I love him for him , for who he is when with me , for the way he makes me feel alive and the way he knows more about me than even my family do . He in time I hope will believe in the words and actions and emotions , it is not easy feeling like one isn’t good enough to love back . But he never lied , never promised , never said other wise . My emotions and feeling are mine and just because I share them with him dose not mean he has to share them back , Id rather be in the relationship I am in with the honesty we do have between us than in one where he feels he has to reply in kind to make me stay … He doesn’t , he shows me his way that I am wanted and even tho I want more I know right now he cant offer more than a little at a time , That dose not mean he is selfish or using me , he isn’t … I get so much out off our relationship that I feel guilty most off the time for taken it . Ill give him all the time he needs as love doesn’t come with time lines or dates or a stop watch , its given freely with out conditions and it can only grow stronger with time and unconditionally .Yes … ” he is afraid of change, afraid to get hurt, afraid of love ….” But will he ever change if pushed into a corner ? You have the love ….question is …are you willing to spend the time it takes for him to see ,feel , believe in it too ?
    Love is the key …..give him time to figure out the combination …..

  28. Ok I started “seeing” this guy about a year and a half ago who is a para due to a spinal injury almost 11 years ago now, when we first started “seeing” each other things were amazing he was open to me about everything kind sweet loving called me everyday wanted lol demanded I come stay the night with him we went out all the time. Then he slowly started backing off from me and now I dont hear from him but maybe twice a month and at this moment have not seen him in almost 3 months but he has also been out of state a lot lately too, he called like 3 days ago to tell me he just got back in town but has yet to call back or ask me to come over, I have had family of his tell me he didn’t expect to fall for me as hard as he did and I have text him telling him how I feel about him and let me know if he don’t want the same with me as I do with him one day and he has never said anything to me so I’m assuming he cares for me or why would he still have anything to do with me or keep me around this long? Could his hot and cold ways have anything to do with his disabilities? Idk I’m just lost on his actions and this is the first time I have ever been around a paraplegic so idk if this is normal or is he just different (as a man) why would he keep me around for a year and a half and still not call me his gf… It is him who says we are “seeing” each other and I have got him to admit once that he has feelings for me but when I asked him why he always has me at a distance if he cares for me he answered with idk!!!!! Can anyone make any kind of since of this for me please?!?!?

  29. Hey lost in love…it could be numerous of things. Afraid of being hurt, afraid u would eventually walk out on him, maybe a lil depression here and there, he could just sometimes not wanna be bothered no matter how much he does wanna be next to u because trust me the pain will put u in the mood trust me I know I’m a paraplegic myself, but it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love u. If u love him really tell him how much and ask him to open up and tell u his mood swings and wat bothers him so u can fully understand. Trust me he loves u tho cuz he sounds like me…….just really sit down and talk to him and even tho u can’t feel his pain try to understand it and just let him know you’ll be wit him thru it all no matter wat but really mean it. Assure it to him…HOPE I WAS HELPFUL

    KING

  30. Thank you king lol you made me cry cuz he has told me before that sometimes he gets in moods and just stays to himself, there was even a time his distance made me so mad I went off on him and he told me the next time I came over that he was just in a mood and wanted to see me but knew if I came over he would be a total d*** to me so there was no reason to do that to me but thing is I have completely opened up to him and told him how I feel about him and he will not open up to me he always tells me lol stop being such a p***y and he has kids he told me in the beginning he don’t have females around his kids unless he knows they are worthy of meeting his kids and a year and a half later I still have never met his kids!!! But like I said why would he have me around this long if he didn’t feel the same for me specially knowing how I feel about him?

  31. Also I’m the type of female that finds joy and fulfillment in doing for my man but I know he has his pride and doesn’t like people doing a lot for him, how do I know what’s ok to do for him and what’s not (when am I doing to much) and how can I do things for him without taking his since of pride away?

    ….. When we do go out he makes fun of me for not helping him get his wheelchair in and out of the car but when I do ask him if he needs help he always says no so I just don’t ask anymore and besides that I don’t look at him as a man that needs help because I know he can do anything he wants to do so I see no reason in asking him if he needs help with small things like putting his wheelchair together cuz I know he can do that with no problems lol now getting his phone from the bathroom when he’s already got into bed ok yeah that makes since to ask if he would like help with that cuz it makes it easier on him than him having to pull himself out of bed get back into his chair wheel himself to the bathroom get his phone come back and climb back into bed!!!!
    Oh and also does anyone else have random back spasms from nerve damage? What am I supposed to do during one of those? My instant reaction is to rub his back for him to help calm the nerve and make the pain go away but he says rubbing his back don’t help cuz it’s not the muscle so now I just hold him feeling helpless when it happens and I don’t like not being able to help his pain go away so if I can do anything please let me know!!!!

  32. Lost In Love- The spasms you are talking about can be triggered by many things-it is the nerves that need massaging rather than the muscles. I have experienced spasms from my chest down to my toes. I didn’t realize until I ask a quad whom I had seen spasm when lifted out of his chair and placed onto a tilt table that not everyone can feel their spasm and uncontrolled muscle movements. Some are triggered when an area is touched, like when you tickle someone who is ticklish. Stretching daily and doing range of motion exercises help to decrease how often they occur, and diminish the pain they cause. As for helping him with things, sometimes he may need your help-everyday can be different when you have a spinal cord injury, what you saw him do on his own yesterday he may need your help with today. Communication is vital-if there is something he isn’t talking to you about, it is possible that he himself may not know-things about his body and his needs. There is no harm in asking, just realize that he may not even know. As for his children, they will always come first and it sounds like he has more than one. My paralysis consumes most of my day and night, if I had a child on top of managing my body, there would be no time for a relationship. My girlfriend broke up with me because we hadn’t seen each other for a month. He may be thinking of you everyday but can’t devote much time to you since having to manage his paralysis may consume much of his day. I was violently ill for a while, and when the woman I was dating wanted to come by on her way home I told her not to. It wasn’t because I didn’t want to see her, but rather because I couldn’t physically get out of bed and into my wheelchair to open the door, let alone get myself dressed. Let him know that you want to help him and that if ever he needs help, simply ask you for assistance. You can ask him to show you how to do something so you can practice and learn because he probably has already figured out and has a specific way of doing things. If not, then you can explore that together and discover new ways that may make life easier because the only thing easy about being paralyzed is falling out of your wheelchair…and even that takes a great deal of effort and can zap all your strength.

  33. Hi lost in love,
    just remember every day is different and we all have good days and bad days so some days you might need to do more than others but Dustin is correct, and I found his post spot on. For Chris and I, the key is open and honest communication. If we have open communication we can get through anything this relationship throws at us, sometimes it just takes a little more time or a different way of doing things to get there :). We have a routine just like any couple, but we both know some days I’m going to do more just because he’s in pain, can’t do something that day or whatever, and some days he will do things for me because I might be having a bad day. For instance, he loves to cook and clean so while he cooks I set the table and do things that require fine motor skills that he sometimes has a problem with. I do get the chair in and out of the car because of the extent of his injury but none of it is really a big a big deal to us. I just say sure whatever you want me to do and we go from there. I’m fortunate because he is very open and honest about “his world” (as I call it) and shows me everything and answers all my questions. We had long talks at the beginning of the relationship about communication so I think that helped as it has become a ground rule.
    As far as pain, I know it is tough to see someone you love in pain and not be able to help, but just being there to hold him, talk through it, etc can be a huge help. The two of you have the opportunity to share and do things your way, and no two relationships are alike, so its a gift to have each other. Good luck to both of you

  34. Oh, I forgot to mention.. space. Maybe he is just taking some time out to regroup and that’s why you haven’t seen him much. I find that since my guy has so little control about some aspects of his life I try to give him plenty of space (literally and figuratively) when he needs it so he doesn’t feel like I’m hovering, being demanding, or constantly in his personal space when he’s too polite to say leave me alone right now. That’s another thing we discussed early on. Just give him time and see what happens. Keep talking about how you feel and see if he opens up. It could be he’s just in a mood or just doesn’t feel well. I know I get in moods too so I try to look at everything from all directions and take it from there.

  35. You guys have helped me to look at the situation different, thank you!!
    I know with what he has been through he has days and he struggles but he is such an amazing man who just always seems to have his world together and in control of everything when I see him or talk to him that it has never came to mind that his disability may be that hard on him but I love him in a way that I have never loved a man before and I think it’s because of his disability, the attitude and outlook he has on life is amazing and the goals and ambitions he has lol I just look at him with amazement like he’s unstoppable and no matter how hard his days are or what he really goes through on a daily basis (what he keeps from me) I wanna know I wanna be there for him to help him or just to let him know I truly care about him and support him no matter what and just so he knows the help is there if he needs it but how do I get that across to him without crossing any bounderys he has put up since he don’t let me in on any of this if that’s what he is going through…. He seems to be open to me about himself and comes across as he has no issues and is in control he’s just tired a lot but maybe he’s just not as open with me as I thought!!!

  36. Lol I’m sorry I know I ask a lot of what’s ok and what’s not like he’s some special breed of something but I have never dealt with a man like him (and I don’t mean disabled)
    He is just so complex idk how to handle him sometimes and AMANDA about the space thing YES I give it to him all the time, at first I didn’t I treated it as any other relationship I have ever been in and he backed completely off and called me crazy and clingy lol I didn’t hear from him for a month, but during that month I not once tried to contact him in any way lol cuz I’m not crazy I’m just extremely loving and he got ahold of me after a month and asked me to come back around since then I have stayed distant we talk when he calls me I see him when he asks me to come over, I no longer call him just to say hi I don’t ask to see him anymore I leave it all up to him and what he wants cuz I don’t want him to feel pressured or suffocated cuz that’s not my intentions, we have been doing it this way for about a year now and things are good except I want him to let me in more I want him to know I’m here for him and I have told him the basics of how I feel and that I love him but I have not went all in and told him what I have told you guys because I know my biggest downfall in life is that I love to much, when I love someone I don’t hold back and I don’t want that to be to much for him and end up having him back out again so that’s why I always ask about limits cuz when it comes to love I have none!!!

  37. Yes dating a wheelchair user brings up the ” to help or not to help ” issue ,been there done that and got told off for it LOL but we aren’t to know everything in any relationship , its a learning process as is loving them . It take communication , determination and a willingness to learn to make the relationship work . I held a door open for him one day and got the ” i can do it look ” so next day i let it slam on him … ” i can help ” look was shoot back when he swore under his breath … So it take two to learn the dose and don’t s .Sure he needs a hand now and then but mostly he can do things himself and i let him at it , lord knows i have enough to be doing carrying my handbag.. :D :D … Its not a chore and im not a skivvy …Im in love and that’s why i help when asked or at times to save time and now that he understands why i help its not a big deal to either off us …
    The TIME thing is something everyone needs , but for him its i feel more important as its during it that he gets to re-cop his emotions and needs and wants because every day life is demanding for simple tasks we take for granted .. I don’t worry about it now i know why he needs it , just let him know im here if he needs me and that what we do have is fine , one less thing for him to wonder about ( a text , voice mail and go do something for myself ) , :) It is hard and yes frustrating at times , but it is a vital and necessary part off his life `not a reflection on my part in it …

    The GF status thing ..Ye i would love to hear him say it , BUT its not that important is it ? He is protecting himself for what he thinks is the the only outcome … being dumped for a so called ” real man ” well news flash MR ..Im here for the long haul :) He wont tell anyone what our status is because he is scared …Fine by me ,take you time , just don’t expect me to give the same reply you do …Im proud off my BOYFRIEND and quiet happy to tell my family and friends he is mine …Soooooo its not a big deal , just something he needs time to learn to deal with for himself …I’ll wait …as i waited this long to find love …i ant giving up on him now over a status and he knows it :)

    Don’t hold back how you feel , talk to him , get mad at him if you want to , just don’t bottle it up so it eats at your love and that is the only thing that will destroy what you have now and can have in the further :)

  38. My best advice is just relax and roll with things (no pun intended). Sometimes when I try and help I actually get in the way so I just hang back unless he asks or it’s something we’ve worked out..or he gives me the look like “why did you open the car door, stand there staring at me, and not bring my chair?” (yes, we laughed for awhile over that one). Iris and lost in love, if you have open communication with your guys then the world is your oyster and the relationship will play out. Just be honest, enjoy life, and laugh.. Trust me we laugh a lot about everything. I can be the worlds most uncoordinated dingbat and do “brilliant” things like fall over his chair at night when I don’t have my glasses on, move his leg on the bed and watch it fall off because it was too close to the edge, and other goofy things but we just laugh and go on and have fun because we really don’t sweat the small stuff and we both have the same sense of humor so it all works. Now I’m attempting to organize my small place for his move here and that is proving a challenge but I’m sure it will all work out. If worse comes to worse I will just toss all the furniture and sit on his lap and he can just bring is bed :) (yes, we have laughed over my lack of organizational skills and he can hardly wait to get started on my place.. whew, thank goodness someone in the relationship is good at that stuff lol) Hope you are having a great day and keep me posted.

  39. Well the other day I text him a LONG text telling him exactly how I feel about him and our relationship, about me and how I work and why I do or don’t help and how he needs to ask if he wants help cuz my downfall when I look at him is that I don’t see a disabled man who needs help but that I see the strongest most independent man ever and if I’m doing or loving to much to let me know cuz I know no boundaries when I love and not to be scared to show weakness with me cuz nothing is going to change the way I think of him and that I want to learn everything about him he wants me to know that I understand the walls and distance he puts up but how I would love it if he would let me in! He called me that night and asked me to come over and stay the night with him and even though he never spoke on what I text his actions were different, like he was more comfortable and felt safer with me idk but I left him the next day with no doubt in my mind that he loves me he just won’t say it for whatever reason and I’m ok with that as long as I feel it from him and now I feel as though the communication has been open and I don’t feel scared around him anymore like I’m going to do something wrong to upset him or overstep his set ways….. Thanks everyone for giving me the courage and security that it was ok to open up and tell him what I did!!!!

  40. Well ignore that last comment I put up earlier cuz he text me this afternoon telling me he’s not sleeping with anyone else but if it happens to come up he don’t wanna feel like he’s doing me wrong!!!! (Made me cry) I get that he’s been through a lot and don’t trust easily but this is to much why pull me in and then push me away in pain like this so I give up I can’t take his hot and cold anymore…. I just told him the choices are his to make but he wont feel hes doing me wrong because i have not okayed it but that he’s going to feel he’s doing me wrong because of his feelings for me and that’s what he needs to think about when making his decisions with it :(

  41. Lost in love,
    wow, I totally understand why you cant take the hot and cold situation. I think you are doing the right thing by telling him to consider those decisions because they can be deal breakers and heart breakers. In my opinion, You are looking at it correctly because I always view it from a perspective if you wouldn’t put up with it with someone not in a chair, don’t let the chair be an excuse for bad behavior or hurting you on his part, if that makes sense.
    You seem like a wonderful person and if he can’t see that it’s his loss. I hope he changes his tune and sees who he has in front of him rather than acting hurtful. I understand he may not be ready for a monogamous relationship, but it is something you need to be on the same page about.
    As an aside, I’ve heard others talk about pushing away when they got close to someone but I’m not sure if they are just hardwired that way and it has nothing to do with the chair, or if it is a fear of getting hurt.. but if it is a fear of getting hurt, we all have that… which leads me back to a loop that the chair shouldn’t be the rationale. I’m curious to see what others on the forum say on this one because I can only speak from my own perception and experience.

  42. Friends with benefits …. but who’s getting the benefits when one is hopelessly in love and the other doesn’t seem to know what they want or is just to scared to say it because they think being in a chair gives them the luxury off being the only one confused . Well ” it doesn’t” there is an old saying here ” Shit or get off the pot ” Either you want me after all this time and effort or you don’t ,
    Yes i love him and would walk over hot coals for him …but if he doesn’t want more than the occasional weekend way and the friendship i know we have …Tell me , id rather be hurt than used . He pushes me away so often and I’m not sure he even knows he is at times .Yes I’m mad …but I’ve the right to be , I have but my heart into this and been honest and forthright about my needs and wants and dreams .
    Chair , chair , chair …………more off a crutch than a chair , the safe guard used to keep me at arms length so he can decide if I’m worthy off being part off his life ??? In my book the mans a man and the chair is just a darn good excuse to at the moment to use as a barrier when they are to scared to take the chance on what some never get the chance to have … So I to have asked him what he wants …what I am to him ? …where I stand ? ….. What dose he want ? No reply yet …maybe his fingers are stuck in the spokes ….
    To be continued ( or not :( …)
    Back to waiting i goooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo …………….

  43. You know I have been reading some of these last few comments I admit can’t keep up with every part of the conversation but I did read the first one from lost in love. Maybe I’m not as nice as everyone else but please lets not forget that this guy is a MAN that she’s talking about!!!! I don’t care what your disability is you are still a person, human, man, woman doesn’t matter. We’ve all had issues doesn’t matter if you’re disabled or not it’s not a pass on being uncaring, selfish or any other adjective you would like to insert. Don’t get me wrong I can understand why he may have problems with rejection or opening up but honestly I’m not disabled and I have the same issues but have enough of a back bone to let the person I’m with know where I am in my heart and head when it comes to our relationship. And before anyone gets to upset I am with a para and we have an amazing relationship. He’s not a talker he doesn’t open up about things like feelings or emotions other than to say he never thought he would find anyone. My answer to him when he told me that was I thought the same thing about myself. Maybe I read some of the comments wrong but please don’t let his behavior slide because he’s disabled it’s not an excuse for treating anyone without respect. Just the thoughts in my head in the end you (meaning everyone) deserve the common courtesy of an adult conversation about what is expected in a relationship. You may find you both want the same thing or that you’re both better off as bed buddies!!! Good luck!

  44. I brought up to him a long time ago like maybe 4 months into the relationship or whatever you wanna call what we had the first time he went cold in me before I ever got feelings anything close to what I have for him now about being friends with benefits because he was so cold and distant to me and he got mad at me and told me it was more than just that to him he is the one that made it exclusive to begin with and told me if I was to sleep with anyone else to never come back to him and agreed he wouldn’t do it either he has talked so much here and there about me being his girl and what he wants in a woman he is the one that puts all these thoughts into my head but every time he makes me feel safe enough to act on my feeling for him he backs away like this and I have dealt with it as long as I have because I do love him and I do understand he is more complex than the avrage male because of his situation not only being paralyzed but past relationships as well but this time he is going to far with his coldness this is not just pushing me away as usual this is life changing heart breaking no more trusting relationship ending desisions and if he choses to do something like that I can’t stand beside him any longer cuz its not fare to me to be hurt like this and cry myself to sleep because he’s scared to admit his feelings for me not only to me but to himself but you just know when you know and when I’m with him I KNOW he cares but I just can’t no matter what I try get him to let me in so imma just let go and see if he desides to finally let me in or if someone else comes into my life…. BUT GOD I HOPE HE LETS ME IN cuz I miss him like crazy and it’s only been since Monday!!!!!

  45. Hi, I haven’t commented on here since last month but I have a question. As I have said I was born with Spina Bifida at the T-12 level and I walk with braces and crutches 90% of the time and use a wheelchair only 10% of the time. Everything I have found on dating paraplegics on the internet talks about people whose primary mode of movement is a wheelchair, but I primarily use braces and crutches to get around in life and I haven’t found anything about people dating paraplegics who walk. So my question is, would any of the things on this list apply to me as well?

  46. In January of 2004 I met the love of my life. He was a runner like me, loved hiking, horseback riding, and traveling. We got married that December after a short and wonderful courtship. Eight months after we were married he was in a motorcycle wreck in the Italian Alps that left him paralyzed with a complete spinal cord injury at T4-T5. It was frightening and scary for both of us at first. We had to learn how everything worked together.
    This year we have been together for nine years. He went back to school and changed careers as did I. I still run and he has a racing chair and a hand cycle. He goes faster than me but leaves water bottles dropped off along the route for me. We both have horses and he is getting into using a buggy now instead of riding. One of his favorite hobbies is building furniture and my house is full of his beautiful creations! As for the travel, it can be a little more challenging at times, but we have been all over together from Spain to Hawaii.
    I don’t know how I stumbled on this site, but I did. It has been very sweet to read through the comments and see people’s different experiences and views. My husband does not have a caregiver, so I suppose that I am the main caregiver. But he doesn’t really need much, more like things off of top shelves, or if he forgets something after he has gotten into bed.
    So I fell in love with a man who was in no way disabled, and my view of him did not change at all after the accident. He is the same man. We love, and fight just like we did before. I guess I am saying, treat your partner like your partner regardless of their physical limitations. If they are being a schmuck tell them, if they are being amazing, tell them. I would love to help anyone who is new to this world. I remember how frightening it was for us when we started.

  47. Hi Blondie, if you would like to be published on a page of you own here, receive comments, add photo’s etc, please let me know. We would love to publish your amazing story.

  48. Hey everyone I’m 18 been in the wheelchair since mar 4, 2007. I have a t5 fraction from a car accident. I see y’all talking bout not finding a lover. Well I den two real gf n my life but I then had a gud bit of sidepieces. Wat I wanna say is dnt rush anything god will bring her/him to you.cause I den found the best girl of my life we been together for 7 months going on 8. She keep me up a tell me sweet thing.like she gone take care of me n b there for me..but hold on when dey say sum like dat u got to do for u first. So juh wait on he/she deyll come n it might be the beautiful person ever..n one more thing I wanna leave with y’all is you on a wheelchair not in it.

  49. Bethany

    In answer to your question , it’s a simple yes , they would apply to any disability simply because despite what others think or say or believe , the person with the disability always feels there somewhat not good enough , flawed , not worthy or are simply to scared to get hurt or rejected . I have used braces , crutches , chair and walked also its hard to feel excepted for who one is when you know your different , Yet love is possible with time , effort , understanding and good communication as with any relationship , Its from my experience just harder to feel excepted and wanted as it’s the long road that scares most and I have no idea what lays ahead for me other than I fight one day at a time to stay mobile as I am right now . So all in all being in a chair doesn’t limit the do’s and don’ts , or being on crutches doesn’t limit my values or needs or feelings . The hardest part is getting others to believe you are capable off more than being just friends that you can offer more , To do so you MOST believe in yourself , Believe you are worthy off love , can give it freely , can be honest and truthful about your shortfalls , No one is perfect and we are all different ….“it ant what you do it’s the way that you do it “ I know its possible to love … it’s the waiting to be loved that is the hard part ….but he is worth the wait …. Aren’t we all ..
    :) Iris

  50. My new boyfriend has been in a wheelchair for a little over a year. He’s amazing. We’re perfect for each other. He pays attention to me, cares for me when I feel sick, (so as much as I help, I don’t feel like I don’t get that treatment back when I need it) & has made me overall very happy. He tends to be angry but this is all very fresh for him & he’s still getting the hang of things. He was shot at 18 & he was just so young, all the wrong things were important to him. Together, we’re fixing his issues and getting over his anger and resentment towards it all.
    All in all, he’s amazing, attractive, funny, outgoing & makes me smile so much. I wouldn’t rather be with anyone else. We’re both good looking young adults, so as for the comment about not being able to get a hot girl, you’re dumb. The only thing stopping you from catching yourself a bombshell blonde like me is YOU!
    I <3 my man & every leg spasm, back ache & little tumble that comes with him. (:

  51. Hi Blondie,
    I loved your post and wanted to take a sec to say hi and welcome. I would love to hear more of your story.
    You are correct about treating your partner like your partner regardless of their disability. I’ve found open and honest communication to be the key with our relationship- as it is with all interactions. I’ve also learned the chair is how my guy gets around, not what defines him. Great to have you on the site and I hope to hear more of your story :)

  52. I would like to ask you, if after you have dated and been married for awhile have you noticed any changes such as when you try to assist, as you naturally do, if your mate becomes annoyed or angry with your assistance. I am a few years married to a man who has a spinal cord injury and wonder if other women experience the same type of treatment. My mate is a wonder person however he gets very agitated if I just stand behind his chair while he is making a transfer(car). I am not doing it to annoy, but just habit to be there for him if needed. He has recently told me he does not like this, because, I have always done this, for several years, I don’t even realize I am doing it. It has now lead to verbal disagreement. Can you shed light and give advise. Thank you

  53. No Name, yes that is quite common. I know when I push loved ones away it’s more about my frustrations than anything they did or didn’t do. Best thing is to give him space and don’t take it to heart. Just jump in the car and tell him to hurry his ass up.

  54. Ok I’m 40 yrs old iv been a parapuligic for over two years .im ready to date and fall inlove ..but I’m very nerves about sex .i did date a girl when this 1st happened but think she was looking for a check.Anyway she said I would make a good lezben lol.but I really won’t a life partner but idk I feel like I don’t have much to offer .in very outgoing and am a single full time dad ..ok can anyone help with this as for asking a woman out and not worry I’m not anuff for a woman…I was thinking about dating a girl in a chair but that would make for a tuff life for both of us ..I’m not sure where I’m going with this just lonely

  55. hello everyone or anyone… lol

    I have come here thru internet searching about potentially dating a paraplegic man. We met online, though we live in the same town… and will be meeting next week for our first date. We chatted back and forth a bit, SO much in common, then he tells me that he is in a chair. He hasn’t gone into many details yet, ie complete or incomplete etc. but I was wondering if there is any advice you could give to someone who is extremely active about things to do or not do etc. I have never known anyone in a wheelchair, so I guess I fear saying or doing the wrong thing, just out of ignorance…
    He was very active before his SCI 10 years ago. He expresses a desire to have a family of his own etc and is a very active kayaker.
    thanks in advance for any pointers that you believe would be helpful for me.

  56. Just treat them as you would anyone else. Have fun , communicate and communicate more. Dont be afraid to ask questions and I’m sure everything will be fine. If you have any additional questions we are here to answer. Welcome to the forum.

  57. Hi Surferdee

    As Amanda said, treat him like any “normal” person! He is in fact normal, he can do almost anything you can, just sitting down! I am a paraplegic, MVA 15 years ago (I was 25) met my wife 13 years ago and married to her 10 years this year!!! Me personally, hate it when people wonder, so if you want to know ANYTHING just freaking ask! Its my choice to answer or not!
    Anyway, enjoy your date, what happens happens !!

    Cheers

  58. Hi everyone,
    I sit by a guy in one of my classes who is in a wheelchair. I am very attracted to him, we’ve talked and flirted some, even talked about working on a class project together. He is also a social work major. I am 29, he looks around my age too. Today he mentioned hanging out after we do our class thing. I gave him my number and email and he hasn’t called or texted at all..so I’m confused. I’ve never dated anyone in a wheelchair, but other than the normal questions I’d like to ask I don’t really notice the chair. He is funny and handsome…ugh I don’t want to be the normally forward woman I can be and let him make the move…but I wonder if I should be more forward. …ahh!!

  61. I agree with Graham,

    He has your information and if he is interested he will contact you. Let him make the first move. You will still see him in class and he knows you are interested. Breathe deeply and be patient.

    Wishing you all the best!

  62. Girls sorry to just get in the conversation he may be shy also he probably never dated an able body we some times need a hint ????

  63. My boyfriend is paraplegic and has been in a wheel chair for over 25 years. He’s the only officially disabled man I’ve ever dated but I have to say he’s mentally more together than anyone I know. His strength and determination both mentally and physically are truly awe inspiring. Not only does he surf, cycle, ski, paddle board and pretty much any other sport he can adapt to fit his needs, he competes against able bodied athletes and kick some serious a**. He played guitar professionally as a young man and has worked a full time job as well. I tried to learn all I could about his spinal cord injury via the internet when we met so I could better understand his situation. That helped me immensely. His physical limitations haven’t been an issue for me in any way. I won’t go into our sex life other than to say,” WOW!!!” I don’t feel like I need to take care of him ever. We care for each other equally as needed just like any other “healthy” relationship.

  64. This might sound a little weird but I would love to meet a cute paraplegic guy and date him. it’s just that I don’t know how because we don’t exactly run in the same circles, and I have absolutly no interest in stalking anybody…maybe you have some ideas for me???
    Would love to make some disabled friends too…

  67. Hi Laura, the best way to meet any interested paraplegic wheelchair users is to register at our forum, read some of the wheelchair dating section posts and forum rules, then post your profile. We have put many couples together through there.

  71. Hi Laura,

    You might consider volunteering at your local Adaptive Sports Center or even dating online. I’m not sure where you live, but we have some amazing para-surfers in California if your an ocean minded gal.

    Good luck!

  72. Hi Graham,

    That sounds great. I have some amazing photo’s to share too. I’m so lucky to be surrounded by such amazing people. Thanks for what you’re doing here. It helped me a lot with questions I had. :)

  73. Hi everyone. It was fun and informative reading all the posts. I met my boyfriend a year ago he was paralyzed c6 6 months ago. He is my soulmate. Greatest man in the world.

  75. Hey Laura, don’t know where you’re at, I’m in San Diego, CA, I’m a fairly cute guy paralyzed wheelchair user currently available for friendship possibly more, not sure how to connect to you, I’ll try what Graham suggests and see if you have a profile set up that I can post to…..=-)

  76. Hey Amanda, I’m not sure if your still on here but I just wanted to tell you I married my paraplegic love. Just wana thank u for the confidence boost n advice which helped me a lot.
    I just wish all girls knew how amazing paraplegic guys are, the best at everything.
    Also the best lover I ever had, better than non paraplegics.

  77. Congratulations Mona and thank-you for the feedback. You can see why we asked Amanda to volunteer her time here as a moderator which she graciously accepted. She will see your comment and respond or you may catch her on our free chat service. All the best to you and your husband.

  79. I don’t talk about this much so please forgive me. I’m 32 years old and I was in an accident seven years ago. I have a compromised spine, femoral neurosis, Osteoarthritis, and deteriorating disk disease. I know that one bad fall or wrong move can paralyze me and I’ve spent the past seven years in constant pain. Everyone keeps telling me how lucky I am but i don’t feel lucky at all.

    I walk two miles a day in an attempt to strengthen my back but its only prolonging the inevitable. No matter how hard I try to ignore it, I know that one day I’ll never walk again. To make matters worse I can’t find a job that will hire me and disability barely pays the rent… I’ve worked since age 15 so not being able to work has really hit me hard.

  80. Hi broken,
    I just read your post and thought: so many people in the world don’t realize how much they have in their lives and that it can all be taken away in an instant due to a life altering illness or accident. My advice is to live life to the fullest, dream big, do what feels right to you physically in order to remain strong, and live as if there isn’t a tomorrow- actually only have this moment in time guaranteed.

    Constant pain is a huge drag to your health and system, trust me I understand that. Just do what your functional level allows but keep trying as getting stagnant and not moving will only make things worse. Have you talked with your doctor about meditation, yoga, or something to help you go “above” the pain when you can? I’ve found some alternatives really can help.

    I’m living in the US with my fiance and we have a motto in our house: adapt and overcome. He is on SSD from a car accident and they certainly are stingy w the cash :) He’s a para w a below knee amputation and the money he gets barely covers basics much less any adaptions to bathrooms etc.

    We have a State Agency where we live called BVR (Bureau of Vocational Rehab), which will do retraining and help find a job within restrictions. Do you have that in your area? They are very busy but it’s worth contacting them to see what is offered in your area. I have an autoimmune illness and lost my job of 22 years because of that and its a hard hit to the self esteem and I don’t qualify for SSD so losing my income has been a challenge. I’m very careful what I disclose in an interview about my condition. Legally they cant ask certain questions, yet they will so you may need to modify your answers. Consider retraining to something within your physical limitations and BVR could help you with that.

    Try and get with BVR, a support group of friends, family, etc or one online, and contact BVR to see if they can help. In the meantime, live life to it’s fullest and challenge yourself :) Great to meet you and hope this helps a little.

  81. Love your Ultimate Guide, full of very useful informations.
    Number 31 “such is life” is in French ” c’est la vie “

  82. Hi, all! :)
    I stumbled onto this site after I was researching paraplegics for a book I’m writing (one of my main characters becomes a paraplegic). I have been reading a lot of your comments, and I’d really like to put in my own two cents. While I’m not in a wheelchair, I am completely blind, and I have been this way since birth. I completely understand what you all are talking about when referring to people “talking through” you, or they ask others around you. When I was a sophomore in high school, I went to lunch with one of my teachers in order to do restaurant orientation and mobility and such. The waitress asked, “What would she like to drink?”, and my instructor responded with, Ask her yourself, please.” Another occasion was during my junior year when we were at another diner. Rather than place my plate in front of me and be done with it, the waitress tried to take my instructor’s knife and slice my burger. While I completely understand that many people mean well, it is common courtesy to ask before doing things for someone with an impairment. I’ve also had people speak to me in a condescending manner, as if I’m not as smart as they are because of my visual impairment. I didn’t just graduate high school with Honors for nothing, now did I? lol

    What I’d really like all of you to know is that no matter what anyone says, does, or thinks, you are your own person, impairment or not. I’m not going to lie and tell you that it’s easy, because even for someone like me, it’s not. I’ve only had two serious relationships, three if you count the one in between–though that one only lasted two weeks. That particular one was with another totally blind kid, though the reason we didn’t last is because he was narrow-minded and refused to accept change in any way, shape, or form. My most recent relationship was one of my favorites, and will be my most memorable. We were friends long before he told me he liked me, and his twin brother had been killed shortly before their high school graduation. Neither boy ever treated me like I was blind; they never seemed to really be bothered by it. Yeah, I agree that dating while having an impairment is definitely harder–people are inclined to think that we can’t do anything for ourselves, which is, of course, untrue.

    Before I go, I’d just like to tell you all again to keep your heads up, no matter what life throws at you. Having any kind of impairment is only a testimony to how strong you truly are. And to all of you who are dating/engaged to/married to someone in a wheelchair or someone who has any other kind of disability, I applaude all of you. I can speak for all of them when I say that by you giving all of us a chance, you’ve definitely made our lives better!

  83. Is there a dating site on-line for meeting paraplegics? I am not a paraplegic, I am a 46 year old woman that walks with a cane due to a car accident. I just don’t like sex at all and most men that I have met are perverts. I want a man to love me without the sex.

  84. Hi Connie,
    There is a section on forum for personals/wheelchair dating if you would like to post your information. I would like to add that having a spinal cord injury does not preclude a person from having, or being interested in, a sexual relationship. Just as each able bodied person is different in their sexual likes, dislikes, and abilities, so is each person with an SCI. Many people with SCI have very fulfilling sex lives. I’m sorry you have had negative experiences in the past but maybe you haven’t met the right person yet?

  85. Thank you for the information Amanda. The not enjoying sex part isn’t the only reason that I am looking for a special man with SCI. I also have a need to be needed. I have been a caregiver for half my life and I enjoy caring for elderly and disabled people. But I am also lonely and have not dated in 9 years. So I thought I could kill 3 birds with one stone, so to speak and have a special man that loves and needs me without the pressure for sex. If you can give me a website for dating men with SCI I would be very appreciative.

  86. Hi Connie,
    You can meet so many diverse people here and it’s a great site. If you have created a profile, and go to forum, there is a members only site for personals and wheelchair dating. Lots of very nice people here so give it a try if you would like to. Welcome to the forum, Connie.

  87. I am falling in love with an amazing man in a wheel chair. He was hurt 15 years ago and I am trying to learn as much as I can about this as I have never been here before. We make beautiful love, just in a different way. It’s a very intimate thing.I know there will be hurdles, but aren’t those there in an relationship? In my case, ignorance is bliss and I know he can break my heart just as easily as a walking man, but I’m willing to take that chance. I am 48, he is 45; fully functional, funny, super intelligent and beautiful. He has helped me see things differently and I think I am helping him see that he is truly lovable, regardless of scares. I am glad this forum is here. I want to understand and be the best partner to him and with him as I possibly can. Carolyn in Portland, Oregon

  88. Carolyn, I am not sure what you have questions about, if anything in particular….Your man and I are the same age, although I have only been in a chair for six years, I can tell that you want things to work out. The best person to ask what to do, what not to do, how to act, and what is important is your man himself. Having an open honest means of communication is vital in any good relationship, but I know you want yours to be great! Feel free to ask any questions, there are others here that can answer them… It was 5 years post before I realized that I was someone another could desire. She kissed me, at the end of a night out just after I asked if I could give her a hug….

  89. Hi Carolyn,

    Welcome to the forum. I’m a huge advocate of communication so as I always say, communicate, communicate, and then communicate some more :)We are all hear to listen, address any concerns, or just share your joy with you. Enjoy your guy and live life to the fullest. Congratulations to you both on your relationship!

  90. I’ve recently met a paraplegic man I am very interested in dating, but the logistics are a little tricky. He’s 3 hours away in an accessible house, but I’ve got a daughter I can’t abandon every weekend to drive up there. Am I craxy for thinking he could occasionally come stay here with me in my home? Most interior doorways are gonna be tight. Especially upstairs. We’re both strength athletes so getting him in the main 36″ will be a breeze. Even with the 4 steps. But the restroom and bedrooms are on the 2nd floor. I’ve read of strong guys just dumping the chair and muscling up the stairs on their butts, but wouldn’t it be wrong of me to expect him to do this? Scoot around for me? I guess I’m asking if there’s any if you who were committed enough in a new relationship to navigate around a less than desirable boyfriend or girlfriends home? Or is it protocol that I have to go there? Or am I missing a solution other than a 3rd party place like camping which we’ve already agreed to do this summer.

  91. I’ve been with my fiancé for 3 years but I’ve known him for far longer. I knew him before and after his accident. He has been in his chair for 9 going on 10 years and it’s been an amazing journey watching him go from the 17 year old boy to the 27 year old man. I believe we are together because of the fact that we were attracted to each other before the “wheels” and the strong fact that I would love him either way. But this isn’t the reason I join this site. I was hoping this article would answer a question that I’m always ask…. ” how do you two have sex.” Ummm really…. That’s the first thought that comes to your head when you see us. Not hi what’s your name but how do you have sex with him. Normally I just tell them the truth and the kicker is they seem shocked. I was just wondering if anyone else ever gets this type of question and how do you deal with it.

  92. Good day, all! I don’t really have any questions, but I thought I may be able to share a little perspective with the able-bodied ladies that are dating paraplegic men like myself. Wait…I don’t mean like “I date paraplegic men” — not that there’s anything wrong with it (Seinfeld) — but, “like myself,” who is also a paraplegic man. (What a difference a comma can make, phew!) ;-)

    I certainly can’t speak for all paras, but I can speak for myself, as a man. I was injured at age 23, and I’m now 38. Before my injury, I guess I was really only in one “adult” relationship, at least as much of an adult one can be at 20-21. And I was really shy regarding girls until after my injury. I can’t say what is “normal,” since everyone’s journey is different, but I really “found” myself and found purpose after my injury. Naturally, the self-confidence followed. Anyway, I am much different, in a good way, than I was 15 years ago.

    While I spent most of my time “heart-broken” before my injury, it seems that I’ve spent most of my post-injury as a “heart-breaker.” I didn’t become mean, angry, or anything as such. In fact, I really took things in stride. But over the years I’ve noticed a pattern of sorts when it comes to relationships. If/when I begin to care about someone, subconsciously I think I wouldn’t want to put a burden on her. Even though I take complete care of myself, work, and own a nice home; I realize that things can change in the blink of an eye. And since, as a para, we live one blown-out shoulder away from dependence, or heaven forbid, one damaged kidney (or two) away from a life-threatening situation; perhaps I feel like she would have a better life with someone that’s not broken like I am. But probably even more significant, I wonder if she’s always dreamed of babies & a white picket fence. What if I can’t have children? That’s not something you can practice like you can bed transfers in the dark in just your underwear, ya know? What if she thinks she can handle all that comes with “this” life, but wakes up one day and finds herself trapped & overwhelmed?

    I share this with you ladies to give a glimpse inside a man’s mind, especially one of a 15-year para. With me, these things cause me to feel guilt, as if I’m asking for her to give up too much. I couldn’t handle being the source of someone feeling like they had to give up on their dream(s). So I continually find myself keeping her at bay, subconsciously doing her a favor by not letting myself fall in love. I’m not claiming to be right, but if you don’t know by now, most men feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility, a passionate desire, to not only love, but to protect & provide for “her” — your girl. And because I sometimes feel I can’t live up to my own expectations, and I can’t give her all she deserves, I distance myself, emotionally at least, and I never really “fall head over heels” in love.

    Like I said, I’m not asking for advice. After 15 years I doubt there’s anything I haven’t thought already — I’m a very deep, analytical thinker. That said, I imagine other men have similar thoughts, and what man wants to admit these perceived “short-comings” to his girl? Don’t assume your man is just like me; he’s not. However, there’s probably a good chance he’s had similar thoughts.

    Thanks for the website. I wish I could’ve had access to this info and support 15 years ago. Hell, even now it’s therapeutic just to share some of the issues I’ve come to learn about myself and still struggle with.

    Let me leave you with one thing — something I was blessed to realize only a few months after my injury. Life is what you make it; if you think it’s terrible, it will be.

    God bless,

    Ron

  93. Hi – I realize I might be very late to the game on this particular post, but if anyone sees this and would be willing to help out, I’d greatly appreciate it. I’m an established author and recently completed a young adult romance manuscript in which the love interest is a paraplegic. Obviously, many issues about dating/physical relationships come up in the story. I do not know any paraplegics. I tried to do my research via reading posts like this one, but I’m extremely interested in having someone with real life experience with the topic take a look at my manuscript and weigh in on how realistic it is. I don’t want to minimize the challenges of the character in the story, but at the same time, I want to show how entirely capable and well-adjusted he is without making it look like his life is entirely easy. If anyone is interested in taking a look, please feel free to email me [removed] Thanks so much. I really want to do the story justice, and authenticity is important to me as I attempt to be respectful with the subject matter.

  94. Hi Karole, we don’t allow posting of contact info. If you join our forum people can safely Private Message you there or you can make a post for all members to read. You may PM me with any questions.

  95. I just wish other women would understand how good paralyzed men are in bed, i am with a paralyzed man, and he is amazing in bed, he is so sweet yet powerful. He works hard to achive the results he wants.
    I didnt know what a multiple orgasm was before i met him then he showd me.
    I didnt belive he made me cry in bed, not normal tears but tears of joy.
    As they say once you pop the fun dont stop.
    I just wanted to ask if there is anything i can do to calm him down, sometimes he doesn’t let me sleep at night, i need real advice on how to tire him out and make him as content as me?
    He says his thrill is of watching me cum hard, but i wana do the same for him, any tips on how?

  96. I found this really cool and it does help give an insight to the otherside i myself am an incomplete and luckily for me i got out of the chair and use sticks and splints.
    i had my fiance leave me a month after i got out of hospital after a month in rehab trying to learn to walk again.
    he was so cold and heartless when i wanted to try see what i could do sexually
    it was all about him
    near 18 months post injury i find it is more me that has an issue with dating as i cant wrap my head around the fact of why would someone want me when they can others- not an entirely new scenario to my life as low self esteem occurred pre injury, i am worried i don’t have enough to offer someone and feel like i would be more a burden than anything don’t want to be regretted later on.
    my injury combined with having a 6yr old with mild cerebral palsy ADHD/ASD/anxiety that has chronic meltdowns at the drop of a hat i am too scared to get involved even though there is a man wanting to sweep me off my feet (lol) im the one with all the questions. and worried another will leave me though i have come along way with recovery since then though am currently undergoing investigation awaiting an mri to see if i have a spinal infection or whats going on causing chronic pain. i am glad that i am not the only one with anxieties of dating etc as it is rather daunting especially for someone like me who is stubbornly independent

  97. Hi Graham.
    i would like to meet up with a lady who can love me how do i go about registering

  98. I recently met a parapalegic through a dating site… seemed like an introvert. I initiated a conversation, we hit it off, he called me the first night and we talked through the night…we met up the next day, he claims he is a nightowl and only wants to meet at night. And due to his disability, the few times we met he wanted to stay in his car. He was a complete gentleman and i really enjoyed my time with him.

    In anycase, the first time we met, I was nervous and may gave made him feel like I wasn’t interested (I propsed him when he mentioned it was a date)…I texted him that night telling him I had fun. But he wasn’t very responsive via text. I suggested we meet up again a few days later…we met up, I thought we got along, despite me having a few idiotic moments. I told him i really liked talking to him and that I might say stupid things because I was still a little nervous (i really like this guy).

    He hasn’t been very responsive to my texts since our last meet and I am not sure, if thats because he isn’t interested or if its because I scared him off with my mixed signals? Please advice.i would really like to see where this may lead…but he only recently got wheelchair bound, so not sure if that affects his psyche in terms of dating. It could very well be that he is not interested, but wanted to check before giving up. Your help is appreciated.

  99. Hey ally,
    Personally I say if he was not intrested he would say not to be in contact, or don’t tx me. It can be very hard at first after becoming wheelchair bound.
    I think if your patient and persevere then he may see your worth opening up to and trusting. He may see that your different and don’t judge him by extirior.

  100. Hi Sara,

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I am more than willing to be patient. Despite my shyness, I have really put myself out there with this guy because I genuinely really like him. I reached out to him again but all I got was short responses. So I was honest and told him that the little I knew of him, I liked and would like to get to know him better and see where this goes. I mentioned we could take it slow but if there is nothing from his end to let me know. I haven’t heard back from him yet (it’s been 3 days). So I am guessing either he is not interested or he is not ready…

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